the fly

This is a small extract of a supposed "book" I´m working on, if I ever get to finish it.... anyway, this I want to share with Y'ALL cause seriously, I need help.




I have the ability of making people mad. I dont really know if this should be called an ability, probably not. For sure this is not a gift and if it is please someone tell me where and how can I exchange it for some nice pair of cozy slippers cause I dont want it no more.

Back in 2009 I met a german guy (read I fell face first, heartbrake later for a german guy) I promisse I will get more into that later, since this man is the one who could be considered the love of my life, my life in Europe that is.
The thing with him was that he was the portrait of what an arrogant person would look and act like, always above everyone else that didn´t speak sarcasm as their native language and with the memory of a trivia pursuit game, he just considered himself better than everyone else.

Actually, just yesterday thanks to Fede the male part of my favorite duet of brother&sister previously mentioned, I read in my high-brow newspaper of choice "The New York Times" about Pierre Bourdieu, a french sociologist who in summary could be considered as one of the first hipsters of this old continent since he flattered himself not because of his wealth or anything trendy like underground myspace music or ripped skinny jeans but because of his über intellectual wittyness & good taste in... well, everything of course. He wrote "Distinction: A Social Critique of the Judgement of Taste", I haven´t read it but for sure it´ll go in the list of "Books I plan to read someday but I actually know I never will"... I´m sure you have one of those too.

So that was Mr. F , because if we already have Mr. Big & Mr. Potato Head, the F word was the only thing pop culture romance was missing, and trust me he lives up to his nickname.

But this entry isn´t entirely about him. It half is. Have this ever happened to you? That even though you know you are a smart, funny, self-confident person when you really really like someone it´s as if you were transforming into this disgusting version of yourself lacking wit, stumbling with words and taking long, and I mean LONG, time to process the information that would normally flow straight from your frontal cortex to your mouth with no need of taking 5 seconds for word recognition and spell checking?! I come off as if I had hair instead of brains and just like that the person guilty for my transformation in an emotional beauty equivalent of David Cronenberg´s "The fly" loses all intelectual respect for me and doesn´t take any of my comments seriously. Not even when I try really hard that I even use my "professional" voice tone. You know, the one with the deeper sound and serious eyes, I´m sure you have one of those as well.

And this is just a never ending chain of events, since I say something, my love interest gives me the "you are so stupid" face, I try to fix it, face again, I change the subject, face one more time, I just stare at my coffee look up, and the face is STILL there, which brings out MY scared face.... and by this point everything is a godzillion times worse. Then I get critized by actually saying something like "GODZILLION".

So here I am now, the Elle Woods of European General Motors, just that instead of carrying a Chihuahua around I carry emotional baggage and insecurties as if I was a high schooler, encore une fois.

Am I doing this to myself? Becoming socially retarded & dumbing myself down out of fear?? How do I stop this madness?! I think by now not even my alteregos take me seriously anymore, I´ve heard them talking and laughing about me when they think I'm not listening!

HOW THE HELL DO YOU PEOPLE COPE WITH THIS??? please, I would appreciate any suggestions. complains, critiques, even a face that could help me out!!!